An Open Letter to All "Twilight" Fans.

Dear Twihards, or whatever it is you like to be called,

We get it. You’re obsessed with the whole vampire thing. After years of fake tanning using your allowance money you have now embraced being pale, since Bella’s pale and well, she is now a Cullen. You think Edward is sexy although in your dreams you end up hooking up with Jacob EVERY time, and it is way better than anything Stephanie (Meyer) ever published.

This may come as a surprise, hell, I surprised myself, but I actually didn’t hate the first book too much and only half-hated the movie. Sure, it was like reading an above-average 5th grader’s narrative essay, and I may or may not have read it on the beach whilst under the influence, but HEY! I read it. Back off already. Don’t send the Volturi after me! (See how I made a small joke there?) So, as it were, I found myself conveniently skipping the other installments in the saga – winning! While I did not dress up in a ridiculous “Team Dope” shirt and stand in line with my gummy bears and popcorn only to run into the theater to get just the perfect seat for the midnight premiere, I DID keep my sarcastically awesome remarks to myself as I nicely walked into whatever movie I was seeing.

I did, however, accompany a closet Twihard, who will remain nameless for legal and social reasons, to see the latest in the “Twilight” saga last week. I felt like I had already seen all there was to see, thank you previews and The Soup, but WOW, it was way worse than I even imagined. Twihards, I beg of you, check yourself before you wreck yourself, if you will. Between the awkward vampire wedding and a honeymoon that lasted longer than Kim Kardashian’s last marriage, it was a flop of pathetic proportions. Best line from the honeymoon was when Bella asked Edward, “you aren’t going to touch me again, are you?” This is what we’re teaching our youth and middle-aged housewives? OY. Hands down favorite moment? When the pale faces (Cullens) gave Bella a big ole’ glass of blood to drink, you know, to satisfy the vampire growing inside her. Here Bella, drink this cup of O negative while the rest of us toss our peanut M&Ms.

Puuulease, Twihards, Team Edwards and Team Jacobs, recognize! The thrill is gone. The story has run its course, and then some. There are better movies to sleep through. There is much good literature to be read (please see me for a detailed list). Let’s move on to obsessing over more interesting and relevant items, i.e. Herman Cain’s sex allegations and clever autobiography, why Prince William didn’t marry Mary Kate & Ashley (per Kanye), and world peace.


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