Just the other day I was eagerly awaiting Mr. Jack White to play a sold-out show at the Ryman. With my favorite and a beverage in hand I was a happy girl, however I kept noticing a couple near us and what a great time they were not having. She switched seats with him because he couldn’t see very well. He made her hold his drink while he tink tinked on his phone up until the time the lights went out. He paid her little attention and her expression blatantly read, “Why am I here with this dope?” So in honor of THAT girl, and girls everywhere, I bring you dopes you shouldn’t bother dating.
Exhibit A: The Green Bean
We’ve all dated one, or three or four. You know, the guy who looks great enough on paper – nice smile, decent conversationalist, calls when he says he will – but, like green beans, he’s bland, the one you never crave but he’s there and it’s convenient. The green bean is nice enough but lacks all the umph! you’re looking for in a man. Ditch him and find a strapping beau who sets your hair on fire with his general awesomeness.
Exhibit B: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
You don’t have to be familiar with this piece of classic lit to grasp the reference. This guy is attractive, seemingly put together and well-mannered, but give him a few days and he turns into a man you do not know. An elegant mess. Is consistency too much to ask for? NO. If he can’t consistently be his non-dopey, brilliant self that you love then what’s the point of sticking around? A little Don Draper is charming but too much does not a healthy relationship make.
Exhibit C: Mizz Thang
A borderline homosexual, this guy is hilarious but his self-proclaimed “metrosexualness” is exhausting. This dope seems fairly manly at first but then his little quirks start their midnight creep quicker than one would assume. He uses product in his hair. He is proud to tell you all about the product he uses in his hair. He frequently refers to you as “the bestest.” He cares more about the Miss America Pagent talent portion than you do and dvr’s Gossip Girl.
Exhibit D: Mr. Hunger Games.
When he cares to be around the outdoors more than you and is not a tribute? That is a problem. Arguably most perplexing of all the dopes, this guy prefers to roam about like a nomad and practically live in the woods to staying still long enough to get to know a female. While he appreciates the species he finds himself quite content not being at all attached to a woman, spending all of his time proving just how manly he is. The sad part is the only ones paying any kind of attention are his man friends. Too much testosterone and not enough heart.
Exhibit E: Mr. Long Distance
Great, you live 3,000 miles away and yes, you miss me and want to see me but you don’t want to actually make the trip. You just want to talk about it. Talking is nice but you should really stop with all the talk and make it happen. You make time for the people you want to make time for; it really is that simple. Action is character. No action is lame.
As for me, I’m sticking to my SEC haircut, polo wearing, well-read gentleman type. A guy who is just as obsessed with music as I am, who finds my inability to add and subtract endearing and doesn’t get bent out of shape when I can’t properly pour frozen beverages from a pitcher.