I was way excited to go home and spend some quality time with my family over the Thanksgiving holiday but then it was a complete disaster. First of all they kept talking to me. THEN my mom asked if I was going to put on pants when I walked out in my thickest Lulu black tights, staring at me and soliloquying on about being ladylike while I changed into something way more boring. Also, why does it matter if I prefer soy in my coffee? I’m not a damn hippie I just like it. And why can’t they just accept the fact that I don’t want to marry “that sweet boy who used to go to school with me?” Please tell me what to do because I can’t not go home for Christmas – I’m not an animal.
Dear Kevin McCallister,
Wow, you are exhausting. Cleansing breath on three. 1…2 Alright, so you should probably go ahead and accept the fact that every family is exceptionally dysfunctional over the holidays. I mean, have you seen Christmas Vacation? HELLO. When it comes to family and yuletide times, it’s all about BOUNDARIES Without them everyone is lost and well, miserable. I always make it clear which activities are fun and socially acceptable for all – movies are pretty safe – and which topics are always kosher – George W. Bush. I’m sorry that you’re clueless, but I’m feeling extra light today thanks to juicing, so here are my do’s and don’ts for the holiday season:
DO eat. You need your strength.
DON’T bring your boyfriend home with you unless he looks like a Kennedy.
DO talk about all of your volunteer work that you “enjoy.”
DON’T talk about your chiropractor’s assistant that you’re thinking of reporting for sexual harassment.
DO bake. Christmas cookies, cakes, bread…anything. Baking brings people together.
DO wear what you want. You’re not 16 anymore.
DO feel free to say “No thanks, I just ate,” when offered gluten or saturated fats at the dinner table.
DON’T forget that the holidays are a great time to drunkenly reconnect with that ex who you never really got over via text message or hushed phone call. Just don’t let any member of your family hear your conversation on the front porch.