Dear B: My Dog Is Not Your Therapist

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B,

An ex-coworker of mine is obsessed with my dog. Anytime she’s sad she thinks she needs to see him. Take him to the park. Have him sleep over. It’s beyond weird. The last time was a break-up and of course, she wanted to see him for the weekend because she was “beside herself.” They had only been on three dates! So usually I just throw out excuses and she leaves it alone but now I don’t know what to do. She said she’s been “let go” and is “eating her feelings in cupcakes.” Who does she want to help her? My dog. I’m fine with her taking care of him while we’re gone this weekend but not everyday, all day, while we’re at work. Don’t you think it’s weird that she wants walk him when she’s sad? What do I say?

Love,Β A*****

Dear Andy Cohen,

Let me start by asking where did you work with said ex-coworker and was she a nut job from the beginning or was that a result of a micromanaging boss? I’ll let you get back to me with that answer and yes, I do think it’s weird. Regardless, homegirl is not in a good place and she’s screaming for help – from you and your dog, which both are better than cupcakes (carbs! sugars! Red40!) but neither is appropriate. You sound like a nice guy, and since you’re asking me I assume you want to lay down the law nicely. So here are some response options:

Option A.) Hey! Sorry to hear about your job but something even better will turn up soon. As for the dog, during the week really isn’t best but I’d love for you to keep him this weekend while I’m gone. What do you think?

Option B.) Hey! Sorry to hear about your job but everything will work out. How about you keep the dog this weekend? We’ll be out of town.

Option C.) I know a great life coach who will help make you less dependent on multiple cupcakes and my dog.

In the meantime, love on your adorable pup and make sure that security system is working properly, just in case she doesn’t like your answer.

XOXO,

Screen shot 2013-05-16 at 12.00.38 AM

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